Asshole With an Open Secret
Sometime in the 427th century…
Assholes are very good at making other people feel like assholes. I know this because I do it all the time. These people should know not to give me a podium or put me on camera. But they just never learn. They think they can make an example of me. I guess, in a way, they’re right, but it never goes like they expect it to.
Which is why I said to the Grand Inquisitor: “My secret is, I’m an asshole.”
He said, “That’s not a secret. You’re a public asshole.”
I said, “The secret is that it works.”
He said, “Fair enough. You’re still going to tried for obstruction of justice.”
I said, “I wouldn’t expect it any other way.”
What’s that quote about doing the same thing every time and expecting different results?
Can’t remember how it goes or who said, but basically, politics.
Here’s how it works: keep listening.
He said, “Will you answer my questions?”
I said, “No.”
He said, “Will you cooperate with the investigation?”
I said, “No.”
He said, “Were you not shot while counter-protesting at a political rally?”
I said, “I refuse to answer that question.”
He said, “You have a hole in your chest.”
I said, “You have holes in your head. More than you need.”
He said, “The investigation concerns the person who shot you.”
I said, “I will not cooperate.”
He said, “You refused to testify.”
I said, “I will neither confirm nor deny that allegation.”
He said, “You were subpoenaed.”
I said, “I check my mail.”
He said, “Why won’t you cooperate in the prosecution of your shooter?”
I said, “I have moral objections to your system of justice.”
I was still very much in pain.
He said, “You could be held in contempt of court.”
I said, “That would be in character.”
He said, “What character is that?”
I said, “A character with nothing but contempt for your court.”
He said, “Your refusal puts us in a difficult position. We could be your advocates if you’d let us. But if you refuse, we will have to conclude you were a provocateur in the matter of your shooting. You were shot by a rally attendee whose stated goal is to crush people like you.”
I said, “What kind of people am I?”
He said, “Are you now, or have you ever been…”
I said, “I refuse to answer that question.”
He finished, “…A member of the organization Grey Moment?”
I said, “I have already refused to answer that question.”
He said, “You didn’t let me finish.”
I said, “I didn’t need to. Can I ask you a question?”
He said, “It’s not procedure, but I can’t stop you.”
I said, “Are you really a Grand Inquisitor? Or are you a spook?”
He said, “I can show you my credentials.”
I said, “I’d like your badge number, please.”
He said, “C18-187-216.” He tapped his badge and the number flashed on its tiny screen.
I said, “Now we’re getting somewhere.”
He said, “Only place you’re getting is National Prison. For a long time. Unless you cooperate.”
I said, “I will not. I’d rather have free healthcare.”
He said, “You’re a free rider?”
I said, “No, just an opportunist. Like you.”
He said, “I question that.”
I said, “You question everything. Take this at face value: I will not cooperate with the justice system. It’s about mutualism. You would never cooperate with me. I have no quarrel with an exploited man. I have quarrel with you.”
He said, “I understand.”
And then his boys hauled me away.
But he was the one who felt like an asshole.
Better him than the shooter!